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These statements are all purportedly taken from actual
trial transcripts or depositions (not our clients!):
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
******************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
********************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
********************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
********************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
********************
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
********************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
********************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
********************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
wereyou able for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also would she have brought you, meaning are
you and she, him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
********************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.
O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
********************
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on... what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
put on top of my head.
********************
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
*******************
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
********************
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
********************
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney
asked "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken
the man's
pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken
any
steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let
me put
it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but
for
all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
************
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather
who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car"
************
Best names for Law Firms: (actual names of firms)
Payne & Fears
Low, Ball & Lynch
Slaughter & Slaughter
Weiner & Cox
Smart & Biggar
Click here to see the best "accident
excuses" used in car accident reports.
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